


Remaining

by saavik13



Series: Lapses [7]
Category: Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Bonding, Depression, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Loss, M/M, Post-Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, Pregnancy, Star Trek III: The Search for Spock, Telepathy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-15
Updated: 2018-01-16
Packaged: 2019-03-05 05:30:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13381173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saavik13/pseuds/saavik13
Summary: The wounded were in Sick Bay, the ship was stabilized, and now…now the dead demanded their due.  Funerals were held, obituaries written, families sent notifications, and now in the last hours before the long journey home, there was only one duty left to preform for those that could no longer travel with them.





	1. Chapter One: Duty Owed

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Begins just after Spock’s funeral in STII: Wrath of Khan  
> Lives in the Allocations and Laspes Universe. In order:  
> • Allocations https://www.fanfiction.net/s/4870734/1/Allocations Earth's new monetary system means sacrifices for everyone. Amanda Grayson is no exception, she's just a little more creative than most. Her creativity lands her in the employ of one Sarek of Vulcan and education takes on a whole new meaning. Amanda/Sarek  
> • Lapses https://www.fanfiction.net/s/4362776/1/Lapses McCoy cringed. "I won't lie and say I'm fine, Spock. This isn't the first mass death I've had to deal with, and God help me, it probably won't be the last." Sometimes the cause is more than sufficient. Spock's control wavers in the face of tragedy. Friendship/pre-slash McCoy & Spock  
> • Lapses II: Life Cycles https://www.fanfiction.net/s/6667084/1/Lapses-II-Life-Cycles "I can only promise to do my best, ma'am," McCoy frowned. "He's a good friend, and while I don't understand half of what you said, I don't intend to let him down. I swear I won't abandon him, he'll have to be the one to do that." Friendship/pre-slash McCoy & Spock with guest appearances by Amanda and Sarek  
> • Lapses III: Ties that Bind https://www.fanfiction.net/s/7233006/1/Lapses-III-Ties-that-Bind “Forgive me, Leonard, but..." Spock trailed off then dipped his head, his eyes leaving the doctor and settling on the floor. "I thought I detected a change in your mood indicative of distress. I must have been mistaken.” Friendship/pre-slash McCoy & Spock Almost Char. Death  
> • Lapses IV: Increbresco https://www.fanfiction.net/s/7532453/1/Lapses-IV-Increbresco Bonds, by nature, go both ways. McCoy learns that not only can he help Spock, but that the Vulcan is quite good at returning the favor. Warning: Graphic portrayal of Star Fleet life and the hazards there in. Friendship/pre-slash McCoy & Spock  
> • Lapses V: No Man’s Land https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8351088/1/Lapses-V-No-Man-s-Land This was something he had to do alone, and McCoy's medicines would not fix the wounds for which he now sought healing. All he could hope for was that when it was over, when he'd managed his task, his friend would not have forgotten him. Friendship/pre-slash McCoy & Spock Set between the end of TOS and ST:TMP  
> • Lapses VI: There is no reason, and the truth is plain to see http://archiveofourown.org/works/13381077/chapters/30647295  
> Fall out of the Motion Picture  
> • Remaining.

The wounded were in Sick Bay, the ship was stabilized, and now…now the dead demanded their due. Funerals were held, obituaries written, families sent notifications, and now in the last hours before the long journey home, there was only one duty left to preform for those that could no longer travel with them.

 

Saavik picked up the canister of tea slowly, the cool metal warming quickly in her hands.

“It vas his faworite.” Chekov spoke quietly from behind and Saavik nodded.

“I remember. It was the first tea I ever had. Spock always made sure to send me a container every Earth Christmas. I believe he did so to honor his mother as well as the memory of our first encounter.” Saavik set the canister down gently on the small shelf. “Lady Amanda, I believe, also sent him a canister on occasions of note.”

Chekov walked around front and ran a finger over the lid clasp. “I newer liked it.” Chekov sighed. “But I vill miss it.”

“I find it difficult to accept that he is gone.” Saavik turned and looked around her mentor’s quarters, a small frown tipping the side of her mouth downward. “I have the most unusual feeling he is lingering here.”

“Ve all feel that vay.” Chekov picked up the canister and moved it into the empty shipping crate. “ _Enterprise_ vithout Mr. Spock...I did not think I vould liwe to see it.”

“It was illogical of us to assume he would always be here.” Saavik fingered the IDIC tapestry. “I understand this, but I am unable to process it fully.”

“Grief is a hard emotion to move past.” Chekov moved to stand next to her, a soft smile on his face. “I do not knov ewerything you have been through, Lt. Saawik. Spock did not break your confidence. But I knov it vas bad. He vas the only family you have, vas he not?”

“Not family, at least not by blood or law.” Saavik closed her eyes briefly, her hand still lingering on the tapestry. “We should leave this here. IDIC is a philosophy worthy of remaining on _Enterprise_. Spock would want it to go with the ship. His parent’s will have little need of it.” Chekov nodded and Saavik moved away to gather more of the scant personal affects for the waiting shipping crates. “Spock was...” She paused as she lowered a set of candles into the packing material. “Spock saved my life. He was mentor, father...friend.” She looked up quickly then back down. “Now his first protégée and his last do this duty for him. This was not how I imagined we would finally meet.”

“I newer considered myself his protégée. He newer said it, not in so many vords.” Chekov sighed heavily and grabbed a handful of books. “Ve vere young then. I vas assigned to the science department and vith the smaller ship complements ve had in those days he vas able to take a personal interest in all of us.” Chekov let out a quiet chuckle. “I remember the first time Keptain Kirk said he vas rubbing off on me.”

“Rubbing off?”

Chekov smiled. “I vas quoting too many details at the meetings, trying to show I vas as good a junior science officer as possible. Spock always vanted all the information. I assumed the Keptain did as well. One day he and Doctor McCoy jowked Spock was ruining me. That vas the first time I noticed that I vas spending more time vith him than the others. Vhen he vasn’t on the bridge I vas the one at the science station. Spock made sure I could vork every position. He alvays said it vas wital that an officer could take any station if there vas a problem. But I vas the only one he vould trust to run science in an emergency.”

“He was most vocal about that at the academy as well.” Saavik added. “He personally trained me on science and tactical as well as insuring Mr. Sulu gave me instruction on navigation.” 

“I knov. Sulu said you piloted them out of the space dock. Spock would not have let just anyone do that.” Chekov looked around the room and shook his head. “There’s hardly anything here.”

“Spock did not require much in the way of personal affects. What little he valued remained on Earth. This was only supposed to be a training cruise.” Saavik walked the room and found nothing more to pack. Only the IDIC tapestry was left. “Will you pack his quarters on Earth?”

“No.” Chekov sat down and started to close the crate. “His father vill likely do it. Sarek’s supposed to be on Earth. Ve are only doing this because the ship will be off limits during the retro fit. His mother vill vant all of it, I’m sure.”

Saavik nodded and sat down opposite him. “If you see Ambassador Sarek, please extend my regards to him during this time.” She hesitated, “I will be remaining behind with the Grissom. ”

“It is a vonderful opportunity for you.” Chekov smiled. “Spock vould by happy you vere giwen such an honor.”

“Happy?” Saavik quirked an eyebrow and Chekov chuckled.

“Ve both knov he vould be. He vould newer admit it, but he vould be. Vhen I received promotion to first-officer on the Reliant he nearly smiled. I’m sure he vould be the same vay vith you.” 

Saavik remained silent for a long moment before shaking her head. “I am unsure if I should leave. Things are...not right here. The Admiral and the Doctor will need you in the days to come. They will need all of you greatly.”

“Vay?” Chekov asked, leaning forward. “You say that as if you knov something.”

Saavik pursed her lips. “You were close to Spock. Did he not explain the Vulcan mind arts to you?”

“You mean the meld? I hawe seen him and the Admiral engage in one before.”

“There is more to our abilities than the meld.” Saavik looked away quickly. “I do not know how much of my past you are aware of. You were on Enterprise when I came aboard as a first-year cadet, but much of the true nature of my presence was kept from the crew.”

“I didn’t vant to ask him. You vere obwsiouly important to him. I did not vant to pry.”

Saavik nodded. “Thank you, Mr. Chekov. But Spock would have counseled me to tell you the truth. Someday I will, if you wish to hear it. But for now, it is sufficient to say that I was not raised on Vulcan. I am, in fact, only half Vulcan. I know little of their ways beyond the teachings Spock gave me. I did not even know how to advise the Admiral for his burial. Spock had never fully explained Vulcan death rites. There was little time between when Spock found me and when I started my education at Star Fleet Academy. In that short time Spock prioritized my instruction. I know the necessary information on Vulcan biology and mind arts as well as the mental disciplines. The rest was deemed secondary. We had planned,” she swallowed heavily. “We had planned to take time after the training cruise. We’d scheduled leave together. He wanted to take me to Vulcan, show me his home-world and introduce me to more of the culture. I’ve never even been to a Vulcan colony. Now that he is gone, there seems little point. They will not welcome me.”

Saavik took a controlled breath. “As Spock explained it, there are levels to bonds that Vulcan share. I have only partial abilities in this area; I have never been fully trained. But as he explained it to me, it is natural for our kind to form mental attachments to those we are in close contact with. This is most greatly felt with those we share repeated physical contact with, but it also extends to those that live in close quarters for extended periods of time. The Admiral, the Doctor, and Spock have lived on the same ship for many years and frequently engage in physical contact. It is likely there is some level of instinctual bond between them.”

“Vhy hawe I newer heard of this?”

Saavik’s eyebrow arched. “Because most humans would find the prospect distasteful. The bond is not invasive. It merely points in the right direction. But it is my experience that most humans would object."

“Vait. Is that vay I could tell vhere he vas on the ship? If he vas in trouble?” Chekov frowned. “I knev something vas vrong ewen before ve heard the nevs.”

“As did I. It is likely that many of the senior staff did as well.” Saavik looked down. “We have all spent time with him, enough for varying levels of bonds to develop.” She looked up and Chekov could see the barely controlled tears. “Spock believed that these bonds make loss more difficult for those that remain. He tried to keep them from forming but he said he only had mixed success. He warned me about them and that if I served long enough with the same crew I would notice them starting to form.”

Chekov’s forehead wrinkled in confusion. “So you think ve all had these light bonds?”

“Some lighter than others.” Saavik stood up and started to pace. “The Admiral and Doctor McCoy had both melded with Spock on multiple occasions. He’d gone on leave with them. He’d lived with them on away missions under tight conditions. They frequently touched him and he them. It is likely that the bond he shared with the Admiral was the strongest. They had melded so many times Spock claimed he was nearly always aware of the Admiral, to a small degree. But the Doctor is displaying classic symptoms of a broken bond, more so than the Admiral. I do not know what has transpired. It could be that their relationship was deeper than I knew.”

“Are you saying vhat I think you are saying?” Chekov asked, sitting up straighter.

“I do not say anything.” Saavik sighed and looked away. “I am simply worried.” She turned back and stared at him. “We two shared a bond with Spock. We owe him a duty, not just to send his belongings to his mother. We must care for the others, Pavel. They do not know the true extent of their loss. I cannot stay, so the burden must fall to you.”

Chekov stood up slowly. “Ey vill watch them. If there is a problem?”

Saavik frowned. “I do not know. I am ignorant of much in these matters. Perhaps,” she trailed off uncertain before shaking her head. “Contact Sarek should a problem arise. He will know what to do.”


	2. Chapter Two:  Rising Storm

Chekov wasn’t sure what to make of Saavik’s confession. She was right, most humans would bulk at the idea of an un-asked for mental bond. But Chekov had known Spock well enough to understand that whatever had existed, Spock would never have abused it. After a little digging during the down time on their journey home, he’d found more information. These bonds were everyday things on Vulcan, a normal and natural occurrence between friends and in some cases neighbors. It was such a mundane thing that Vulcan had never even thought to mention it in culture tapes or lessons. It wasn’t that they wanted to hide it so much as it never even occurred to them that it would need mentioning. 

Spock was likely one of the first to experience it inter-species. He was practically the first Vulcan in Star Fleet. Only T’Pol before him had spent so much time in close quarters with humans and her experiences and observations were never taken seriously on her home planet. Even Sarek, with the exception of Amanda, had never been physically close to a human for an extended period of time.

Chekov read up on the phenomena, researched it in Vulcan databanks, until he was satisfied and put it out of his mind. The ship was almost home and there didn’t appear to be anything wrong with the Admiral that normal grief wouldn’t explain. Spock’s belongings were packed and his room sealed. Saavik was on the Grissom . Everything seemed to be in order, or as much order as could be expected of the grieving ship.

Until all hell broke loss.

When the security warning went off Chekov didn’t know what to think. When he found out it was the Doctor, he knew something was very very wrong. That small nagging feeling that Saavik had hesitantly mentioned, that awareness of Spock, was strong. Almost as if he was in the same room. Chekov didn’t hesitate to relay a message.

His letter to Ambassador Sarek was short and heavy with implied meaning. He’d had little contact with his shipmate’s father, but he knew Spock didn’t always get on with the Vulcan. Chekov only told him something felt off. He said Saavik had felt it too. And now something was going on with the Admiral and the Doctor. 

When Sarek showed up at Kirk’s door, his mood as dark and forbidding as a Russian winter storm, Chekov wasn’t sure he’d done the right thing, not until Kirk called and told him what was going on.

Saavik hadn’t known. If she had, they could have avoided all this. Somehow, whatever had happened to her, she’d never learned this part of the Vulcan culture, something Sarek seemed to think was fundamental. Something that meant McCoy was going insane. And something that meant Spock, or at least a part of him, wasn’t gone. As soon as they finished this, Chekov vowed he’d sit her down for a nice long chat.

* * *

Watching the Enterprise burn was nothing next to watching her clutch the body. The Admiral had sent them all up to the ship and just as the dematerialization sequence started she’d grabbed onto him, beaming David Marcus’ lifeless body up with them. Now they were stuck in the brig and she was silently holding onto him. Her face was the picture of Vulcan calm, but everyone on the Enterprise had learned to read through that expression long ago. Spock had always had the same look, the same dark helplessness in his eyes, whenever things were really, horribly, _incredibly_ , bad.

Sulu couldn’t look at them and Scotty had tears in his eyes. 

Chekov moved forward and inched down next to her. “Saawik? Is there anything I can do?”

“He died for me.” Saavik looked up and Chekov winced at the barely concealed tears. She looked around quickly and fought for control. “I cannot grieve here. We have to aid the Admiral.”

Chekov shook his head. “Ve’ll vorry about that. You’we had enough for the moment.” She looked about to protest but Chekov made a shushing sound and she quieted.

He backed away and left her there, clutching the body. Doctor McCoy came up quietly from behind. “She was bonded to him.”

“Vhat?”

McCoy’s voice took on the strange resemblance to Spock’s. “Her mind is torn by her loss, Commander. She feels his death as if it were her own.” McCoy turned to look at her, his eyes dark. “She should be commended for holding on as long as she has. Her control will not stand much longer.”

“Can ve help her?”

McCoy turned back and for a moment it looked as if he’d answer but with a shake of his head his eyes cleared and Spock was gone, McCoy back in place.

“What? You asked me something...?”

“Newer mind.” Chekov sighed. “If ve liwe to see Wulcan they vill hawe to help her.”

McCoy followed his gaze to Saavik as she started to rock David’s body. “Good God! They were...”

“It vould appear that vay.”

"Do we know how deep?" Chekov shook his head no and McCoy’s mouth tightened. “She’s gonna need a healer, Chekov, and a right good one if she’d bonded with him at anything more than a surface level. Vulcans don’t take well to that kind of loss. Humans aren't nearly as bad off, we lack the psychic ability. But Saavik is a psi 10. We could lose her.”

“Not her.” Chekov shook his head. “She vill liwe if for no other reason than to make his sacrifice have meaning.”

“You seem pretty certain of that.”

“I knov her.” Chekov turned away and started to try and pick the lock. “Ve had the same teacher.”


	3. Chapter Three: Crossing Agony

Saavik left David with his father. The Admiral was silent as he stroked his son’s hair back and Saavik couldn’t bear to watch. She moved soundlessly through the alien corridors of the Klingon ship trying to avoid the others.

She ached. Her body hurt from the cold of the surface and the violence of Spock’s pon farr. She had never experienced the frenzied mating of the Vulcan fever before and if she lived to be 500 she hoped she never would again. Places and muscles she never knew could feel were aflame with bruises and sprains. 

Her mind -for the first time she understood the human expression that one’s brain could feel like swiss cheese. Her melds with the empty shell of Spock had been taxing. It was like melding with an infant animal, something that had only the barest notion of survival and self. The fires had raged through her mind unchecked and with nothing of a personality to guide them. It had been hellish. And to have her bond with David broken -to have _him_ broken...

Saavik shivered and leaned against the wall for support. They had not been together long. Two weeks, three days, 17 hours, and forty-two minutes. Their bond was only days old. It had not had time to knit into her completely or else she would be incapacitated. But it still felt as if she’d lost a limb -or more. And no one knew. David had wanted to tell his parents in person, and Saavik -Saavik had had no one to tell. She was now a widow, the bond broken and raw in her mind, and not a single person around her could understand or know what that meant. The physical pain she could suppress, but the emotional fall out of the last 24 hours was more than she could bear.

McCoy had explained about Spock’s katra and the guilt was incredible. If she’d known...if she’d read more about his people, her people. But she’d been determined to enter the Academy on time and there had been so much to learn, so much she had to know to get back to T’Pren’s stars, her stars. Spock had agreed with her decision and had instructed her tutors to only cover the most important cultural information, only what she had to know to function as a Vulcan. She learned Surak’s ways, she gained mastery over her emotions, she learned to control her mind gifts, but somewhere along the line they had deemed her katra unimportant.

That realization was another blow. Spock, he knew she had a soul. Her tutors, however, had always seemed to believe her more a trained animal than a real Vulcan. Spock had most likely concluded, logically, that her tutors had given her instruction in this area when they had taught her to meld and about bonding. According to the record tapes McCoy had unearthed this was generally the case. They had not. And Spock paid the price for her ignorance.

She had almost cost her mentor his soul, the doctor was now in risk of loosing his mind, and David was dead.

Saavik’s body gave another violent shiver. The decking tilted at an alarming angle and she slid bonelessly down the wall to slump on the floor. She tried to find her voice, to cry out, but she only managed a low moan.

She had no idea how long she lay there. Her internal time sense was nonfunctional. The edges of her broken bond burned in her mind, cutting her off from everything else. She was sinking, as her tutors had warned her could happen. They had counseled her against bonding but not bothered to warn her about her soul...

Her thoughts stopped with a lurch as a cool hand pressed itself to her forehead. “Saawik?” 

She blinked and tried to swat the hand away. “Saawik? Vhat is the matter? Saawik?” Chekov’s voice penetrated the fog in her mind as she caught his hand and felt his emotions wash over her. He was concerned...worried...but why?

“Ve must get you to Doctor McCoy.” Chekov was trying to pull her to her feet. “Vhy didn’t you tell us you vere hurt?”

“Not...” Saavik struggled to make her mouth work correctly. “Not physical.” She leaned heavily into him as he set her on her feet. “David died. Bond...husband...."

Chekov stopped trying to drag her down the hallway. He grabbed her shoulders and shook her, forcing her to look him. “I read about Wulcan bonds. You vere bonded to him? A real full marriage bond? Not a lighter one?"

Saavik nodded yes, her head falling forward and knocking them both off balance. Chekov staggered into the opposite wall and barely managed to keep them both standing. “This is not good.” He muttered. “Vhy didn’t you tell us? You could die!”

“Nothing you can do.” Saavik looked wearily at him. “We are two days out from Vulcan. By the time we reach it, I will have recovered or died.” She took a shaky breath. “No one...no one here that can meld.”

Chekov frowned. “There has to be something ve can do?”

Saavik’s vision swam. “David...”

* * *

She came back to consciousness slowly. She could feel Chekov still holding her and the quiet murmur of Dr. McCoy’s voice, but she couldn’t bring herself to move.

“We thought she might be bonded.”

“I didn’t think it vas the full bond.” Chekov shifted her weight slightly. “Ve hawe to help her.”

“Hell, Paval, I’m a doctor not a hobgoblin. I can’t do a damn thing! Even with Spock bumping around up here there’s not a lot I can do for her. Normally it takes a healer to help mend a broken marriage bond and we’re a little short on those. All we can do is keep her going until Vulcan.”

“It vill be too late by then.” Chekov squeezed her tighter. “Her mind vill collapse.”

“Just keep anchoring her. The Vulcans call it ‘Comforting’.” McCoy pressed a hypo spray into her neck. “She’s in and out of consciousness right now. Her shielding has got to be in shambles. Just keep in physical contact, let her have another living mind she can feel, a friendly one.” McCoy’s scanner whirled and he hissed a curse.

“Vhat? Is there something else vrong?”

Saavik tried to open her eyes to look up but she couldn’t seem to make them work.

“We’ve got a problem, Pavel.” McCoy’s voice sounded grave. “I don’t know if Spock ever told you about their little mating issues, but...” Another hypospray was pressed into her neck. “Vulcan males have to mate according to a cycle. If they miss it, they die. The rapid aging down there...”

Chekov’s arms tightened. “My god. She had to mate vith him? Vith vaht there vas left of him?” His voice trailed off for a moment and cleared his throat. “She vas married to Dr. Marcus too.”

“And she’s pregnant.” McCoy’s gruff voice bit out. “And from the scanner, it looks like whatever the hell was down there did a number on the fetus. I’m getting three sets of parental DNA. That hell planet somehow fused Spock and David’s DNA into the same egg. She’s caring a three-species baby and I don’t have any of the medical equipment I need to stabilize it. Spock was conceived in a lab, I have no idea about Saavik. But Human, Vulcan, and Romulan DNA were never meant to mingle like this. Romulan DNA has mutated since they left Vulcan, and the differences are more significant than appearances would suggest. Not to mention that the Spock’s mom had a little extra in her DNA left over from the Eugenics Wars – this embryo is a genetic disaster.”

“Is she in danger? Should ve abort it?”

“It’s Jim’s grandson, Pavel.” McCoy’s hand rested lightly on her stomach. “I can’t kill it for no reason. Besides, Saavik follows the Vulcan way and they don’t abort fetus’ unless there’s an immediate threat. At the moment her broken bond is causing more problems than the handful of cells duplicating in there.” His hand pressed a little harder. “Come on Saavik, kid, you’ve got to hang in there. We’ll get you home and those Vulcan healers can do miracles.”

Home.

Home exploded. Home was stabbed. Home was an empty shell. 

“She is trying to say somwthing.” Paval shifted her weight.

“Probably delirious. Her nervous system is a wreak.” McCoy sighed heavily. “If she wakes up and is coherent, she’ll likely be okay. She’s fighting a battle, Chekov, and there’s nothing we can do to help but what you’re doing.”

“I vill hold her till she vakes then.” Pavel nodded once. “As long as it takes.”

“I’m sending a message ahead to Sarek. We’ll have healers standing by.” McCoy said softly.

Pavel’s sigh drifted across the top of her head. “Vhy does that not make me feel better?”

Saavik drifted back into unconsciousness.

She came too an hour out from Vulcan. Chekov was still holding her hand and Saavik squeezed it once gratefully. He smiled down at her softly, relief clear in his expression, and helped her to sit up.

“Hov are you feelin?” He asked gently. “Doctor McCoy said if you voke up on your ovn you vould be alright.”

Saavik shivered. “I am cold.” She glanced around the room and took in Spock’s unmoving body and David’ sheet draped form. “We are close to Vulcan?”

“Yes.” Chekov squeezed her hand again. “They are taking us to the mountain. They think...” he trailed off for a long moment. “They think they can put him back.”

Saavik nodded. “Than I will follow.”

“You vill not!” Chekov pushed her back down onto the bed. “You vill go straight to the W...WS....” he stuttered, “Wulcan Science Academy and let the healers examine you.”

“I am sufficiently recovered from the broken bond.” Saavik insisted in a quiet voice. “As recovered as one can be. They can do nothing now but irritate me with procedures and examinations.”

“You’re pregnant.” Chekov stated bluntly. “Ve found out vhen you collapsed. Vhat ever Dr. Marcus did to make Genesis vork has,” he paused searching for words, “...made the baby different.”

“Three sets of DNA.” Saavik shook her head as if to clear it. “I remember hearing you talking before I drifted away -but it does not matter.” Saavik moved to get up, forcing off Chekov’s restraining hands with her greater strength. “The child will live or die and there is little the healers can do.”

“You do not knov that.”

Saavik looked up, her dark eyes haunted. “He used protomatter, Pavel. There’s nothing anyone can do. Either the DNA will stabilize or it will mutate on it’s own. We can’t stop a protomatter reaction once started.”

Chekov sucked in a breath. “He vas a fool.”

Saavik looked down. “That is without question true. However, he was a well intending fool, my fool, and...” Saavik unconsciously laid a hand on her stomach. “I do not wish to make the choice the healers will ask. Protomatter is illegal for a reason and I do not wish this child to face their condemnation for a choice it did not make.”

“Protomatter.” Chekov shook his head. “Ve are lucky ve survived. The radiation can be lethal and the affects...” he trailed off and sighed. “Saavik, there’s little chance the baby vill make it. You should not risk your health.”

Saavik cringed. “I should not have survived either, Pavel. Nor Spock. I owe this...” she ran out of vocabulary and pointed downward in resignation. “I owe it a chance.”

Chekov shivered. “Stay here and rest. I’ll let the others knov.”

He turned to go and Saavik reached out quickly to take his hand. “Thank you.”

Chekov’s head dropped. “One does not thank logic.” and he was gone.


	4. Chapter Four: Sand and Ceremonies

The ceremony on the mountain was long and Saavik had to fight to hide her fatigue. By the time Spock’s white robed figure disappeared down the walkway she was swaying on her feet.

She felt human cool hands steady her and tried to turn to see who it was, but the red rock spun and she had to close her eyes to stop herself from falling over completely.

“Sarek!” she heard a female voice yell. “Get a healer over here! Saavik’s...” she realized dimly that it must be Spock’s mother holding her up but she didn’t have enough strength left to pay attention to the words. Another set of cool hands were added and she felt herself being lowered to the hot stone ground. It felt so much like Hellguard Saavik struggled for a moment until she felt a familiar hand slipping into hers.

“Saawik? It’s ower, lieutenant. Ve vill get you to hospital, yes?” 

Saavik tried to nod and felt an answering squeeze to her hand. “You hawe to stay avake a little longer, Saawik. Just a little longer...”

Saavik’s head spun as she felt warmer guarded hands lifting her onto a stretcher and she clutched Pavel’s hand tighter. She vaguely heard him hiss in pain and she relaxed her grip. 

“I believe she wishes you to remain with her.” Sarek’s cool voice spoke from her left side.

“I intended too.” was Pavel’s sharp answer. “Until Spock is recovered, ve are the closest thing to family she has.”

Another hand settled on her shoulder and she caught the impression of the Admiral through her haze. “She is family, Sarek.” a squeeze through her tonic. “Lord knows we’re all short on that these days.”

Saavik was vaguely aware of being moved down the mountain steps and into an aircar, but it wasn’t until she was being placed in a hospital gown in a private sterile room at the VSA that she came back to full awareness. 

Dr. McCoy was the one changing her, two displeased looking healers towards the back of the room. She could make out the Admiral and Pavel’s forms outside the privacy curtain.

“Hey now, our girl’s awake.” McCoy grinned down at her as he man handled her arm into the last sleeve. “Welcome back little girl.”

Saavik raised an eyebrow. “I fail to understand why you persist in name calling.”

“Old man prerogative.” McCoy smirked. “Your shields are down by the way, and don’t even think about trying to rebuild them at the moment. We had to give you a couple medications that interfere with your mental concentration.” he nodded towards the back. “Those two wanted to keep all of us out of the room but Sarek convinced them that you’d be more comfortable with us. I know we can’t stop you from picking up our mental impressions while your shielding is compromised, but you’ve had so little contact with Vulcans we thought a human’s emotions would be less obtrusive than the blankness you’d pick up from a shielded Vulcan touch you’re not use to.”

Saavik nodded. “Your presence is not obtrusive. Your supposition was correct.”

McCoy smiled in satisfaction. “Hear that! I told you she’d be fine with a human doctor.” He smirked and patted her arm. “Now then, hon, what do you say to us running a few tests on the little one?”

Saavik’s hand flew instinctively to her stomach and she narrowed her eyes. “Has Pavel apprised you of the situation?”

McCoy nodded solemnly. “I know. And so does Sorel. He’s one of the healers that helped conceive Spock, by the way. He’s in semi-retirement but when I called him he didn’t hesitate to come down here. He’s the tall one in back with the grey hair.” Saavik vaguely recalled meeting him as a child on the ship that took them from Hellguard and her memory of him was neutral so she said nothing, only nodded.

Sorel stepped forward. “Commander Chekov voiced your concern about the welfare of the fetus. I extend my word that we will do nothing that will risk the fetus’ viability without your approval.” His mouth hardened. “However, you must understand the odds against a successful gestation are...”

Saavik let out a low growl and the elderly healer stepped back, eyebrow raised in alarm. “DO NOT tell me the odds. If I listened to the odds I’d be a pile of bone in a cloud of dust by now.”

Sorel lowered his head. “Forgive me. I am aware of your history but I failed to take it into consideration before speaking.”

Saavik forced herself into something close to calm. “And I am not myself.”

“The cause is sufficient.” Sorel motioned for the other healer to step forward. “Please, allow us a blood sample?”

Three hours later and Saavik felt like she’d undergone every medical test known on Vulcan. McCoy never left her side, falling asleep in the chair by the bed. His own exhaustion from his ordeal was clear, but he’d never left a patient in need and he wasn’t about to start.

Saavik eyed the sleeping human with trepidation. When his eyes fluttered open, he moaned in pain as he stretched out his back. She frowned.

“Sorry.” McCoy muttered. “Old men shouldn’t sleep in chairs.”

“You are not that old, Doctor.” Saavik took a slow breath. “And I owe you an apology. Had I known more of Spock’s traditions I could have spared you this trial.”

“And Spock would still be dead. If we hadn’t buried him in space, at Genesis, the most I could have had done was lug his soul back here. This way he’s alive.” McCoy smiled ruefully. “That’s worth a little fatigue and a psych record.”

“Perhaps.” Saavik shifted, the bed growing uncomfortable. “How much longer until I can leave?”

“What is it with you Vulcans always trying to escape medical care?” McCoy grunted. “You’re gonna stay right here until Sorel thinks he’s figured out a way to stabilize the little one’s DNA. It’s still adjusting or mutating, or doing whatever the hell it’s doing. Unless you’ve decided to let it go?”

Saavik shivered. “NO.”

“Than you’re gonna have to get use to the hospital.” McCoy crossed his arms. “At best we can move you to Sarek’s home and keep you under observation there. But you will have to take a leave of absence from Star Fleet. Since I’m a wanted fugitive, Sorel’s filling out the application. Once that goes into Command, they’ll move your name off the MIA list and onto medical leave.”

Saavik sighed. “This was not how I planned to start my career.”

McCoy snorted. “You’ve never been normal, Saavik. Stands to reason you’d have an unusual career path as well.”

Saavik nodded. “If Sorel can stabilize him, I will have to take an even longer leave.”

“Him?”

Saavik gave a small frown. “I cannot continue to call him ‘it’. Do you have a better suggestion?”

“No.” McCoy smiled. “It’s just a very human thing to do.”

Saavik turned slightly to stare at the wall. “In my estimation nearly 80% of my contact with other sentient life forms since leaving Hellguard has been human. I believe the correct phrase is that you are ‘rubbing off on me’.”

McCoy let out a bark of laughter. “Could be worse.”

“I fail to see how.” Saavik sighed. “Please, doctor, go find your own rest. You have been under considerable stress.”

“So have you, girl. So have you.”


	5. Chapter Five: Intermezzo

The next few weeks were a monotonous blur of tests and waiting. Saavik could do little but stay in her bed and eye the healers with open hostility. The elder one, Sorel, she vaguely remembered from her youth. He had been with Spock when they left Hellguard and he had always treated her reasonably well. Therefor, she would only consent to examinations if either Sorel or Dr. McCoy were present. After three days the fetus' DNA began to stabilize and Sorel's team was able to make the necessary adjustments to insure the child would be viable. Saavik was uncertain how this news should be taken.

The Admiral was quietly overjoyed. With his only son dead, the babe was the last of his line. Similarly, Amanda and Sarek seemed pleased. Apparently, they had given up hope of grandchildren long ago. Dr. McCoy also seemed excited and was already demanding that he receive the honor of godfather- a human tradition that Saavik was still somewhat confused about the purpose of. The general consensus seemed to be that she too was eager for this change in her life and the addition of her son. (Sorel had confirmed the gender.)

Chekov was the only one who bothered to ask her how she felt. She did not have an answer.

She understood the importance of a male heir to both the Kirk line and the House of Surak - however watered down the genetics. She too wished for some part of David to live on and the idea of giving her mentor an heir was also not an unpleasant one. But these factors did nothing to mitigate the reality that baring a child would mean an end to her Star Fleet career. Even if she were to return to duty after the child was old enough to begin schooling, as a single parent Star Fleet would not assign her to a deep space mission until her child was of age. By that point so much time would be lost....

Saavik already missed the stars.

Sarek's house was far improved from the VSA hospital and Saavik was relieved to have been granted permission to move into guest quarters in the family compound rather than remain at the hospital. But it was too hot. Too Vulcan. Saavik had spent so much time among humans she found the environment nearly unbearable and if she was not careful she could forget that this was Vulcan and not Hellgaurd.

The healers said her mental confusion was partly due to her broken bond with David, the lighter broken bond with her mentor not aiding matters, and partly due to the strange cocktail of hormones they were giving her to keep the fetus stable. Amanda sympathized, having gone through much the same thing while carrying Spock. But the people whose sympathy she most wished could not give it. David was dead. Spock was not the man she knew.

All of which Saavik considered to be justification for her current mood. Her head hurt and her back ached and she was retaining an alarming amount of water, and she was barely a month into her pregnancy. Apparently, the effects of the protomatter had long reaches. Never the less, the physical she could ignore. She was well accustomed to pain and discomfort. It was the other matters that were causing her distress.

Saavik stared out the thick window at the blowing sand. It was storm season in Sha Kahar and the Enterprise team were all confined to the clan's ancestral home for the duration. The Klingon ship was still parked on the outskirts of the property and on a clear day Saavik could see it from her window perch - an awkward greyish blot on the red landscape. It reminded her it all was real. 

With the storm raging at full volume the ship was hidden in the swirls of red and brown. Saavik knew logically it was still there. Even if someone had wished to steal the vessel it would have been unable to take flight in current conditions. The storm was so furious even vehicles built for operation in the sandy Vulcan environment were grounded and transporters were considered too dangerous to risk for all but the most critical of emergencies. Saavik knew these things. But the irrational worry that the ship was gone -that it had in fact never been there - was still very present in her mind.

Hellguard haunted her. She'd thought that after watching it explode she would be free. And for a time she was. But the sight of Genesis ripping itself apart, the fires and the heat, had brought it back to mind. And now the sands of Vulcan were like ever present ghosts taunting her.

The others had taken to ignoring her. The Admiral made a few rather inept attempts to cheer her up but eventually ran out of ideas. McCoy worried over her near constantly until she'd threatened to bodily remove him for her presence. Spock, well, her mentor had little idea who she was. His mother was careful to be friendly, and Amanda was clearly hoping to develop a relationship with the mother of her grandchild. But Saavik had little hope for that. Sarek was, as always, a constant darkness that hovered at the edges of everything. Saavik had never forgotten his views during the voyage from Hellguard, She had never forgiven him for Spock's youth.

If he were himself, Spock would council her that she was being foolish and emotional. He would remind her that Sarek had not intended her harm, and had always acted in what he believed to be the best interests of his son. At the very least he would tell her that Amanda and Sarek were two different people and it was illogical to deny a relationship with one based on the other.

Saavik didn't care.

"Vhat are you thinking?" Chekov asked softly as he walked up behind her. He was the only one to still try such idle conversation. Saavik ignored him. Chekov didn't seem to mind her silence and sat down on the bench next to her. He turned his attention to the storm that still held her eye. "I read once that they could strip the flesh from bone."

Saavik nodded.

Chekov shivered. "I hawe newer liked sand. It goes eweryvhere and ruins ewerything."

"It is cold when you need heat and hot when the sun burns." Saavik whispered and Chekov gave a small start. It was the first words she'd spoken in days and once the flood started she found it would not stop. "When the wind takes it, the force of it hitting you is like a million cuts. It finds a way past fabric and rock. No cave or hole can hide you from it. It leaks into your food, your water, you find it your ears and under your tongue."

Saavik turned her back towards the window. "I never wanted to see sand again, Pavel. I wanted to spend my life on starships and space stations. I have no need for wind or sand or stone. Yet I find I am here, inside this ancient stone fortress with the sand and wind holding me prisoner once again."

"You do not hawe to stay here." Povel insisted. "You can go to hospital or ve can find you a place of your own. Scotty, Nyota, and I are renting a small house. You can stay vith us."

"Dr. McCoy insists that I be either here or at the VSA. He wants me monitored closely."

Chekov snorted. "The healers say you are fine. Dr. McCoy cannot stop you from going vhere you vill. If you do not like it here, leawe."

Saavik shivered slightly. "I do not know if I should leave Spock." 

"He has the Admiral and McCoy here. And his parents. They do not need us howering."

"You would not mind?"

Chekov smiled and patted her arm. "Vhy vould we? Come." He stood up and held out his hand to pull her to her feet. "The veather report says the storm is almost ower. Vhy don't we pack and you can come back vith me tonight? Nyota is cooking dinner. She managed to find some potatoes. It vill be like old times."

Saavik shook her head. "No. Not really. Not without him. Spock always relished her cooking."

"He vill again." Chekov insisted. "He just needs time." He eyed her carefully. "Ve all need time."


	6. Chapter Six: Sand and Wind

Chapter Six:

Chekov was worried. Saavik wasn't being her usual self. Oh, she'd never been much of a conversationalist, but she was also never one to be inactive. And that was the best word he could use to describe her current state. She was decidedly inactive. Since being released from the VSA the most she'd done was walk aimlessly around Sarek's estate. 

He'd tried talking to her, they all had. But Saavik seemed to not hear them. She'd stare at them then turn away without making a response. She was positively ghost like. Amanda claimed the hormones the healers were injecting her with were partly to blame. After all, Saavik wasn't even part human yet the fetus she was carrying was nearly half. The cocktail of chemicals needed to keep the baby alive were foreign to Saavik and, as Amanda could attest too, alien hormones might not kill you but they did a number on your emotional state.

Dr. McCoy and the Healer Sorel agreed with her assessment, but also put a significant amount of blame on the broken bonds she was suffering. She'd always been close to Spock, and his death had been hard on her. David had stepped in to fill part of that void but his death had ripped open her mind, and her heart. Chekov wouldn't pretend to understand Vulcan bonds, but he could see the damage the double loss was wreaking.

He'd managed to talk her into moving in with them at least. Nyota was happy to have someone to fuss over and Scotty was just happy to be out of the more formal environment of Sarek's family estate. They didn't mind having Saavik with them in the least. Of course, considering her current state, who'd notice she was even there?

It wasn't just Saavik that was worrying the Russian either. McCoy hadn't been right since Spock's death. The reasons were now becoming clear, but Chekov could just feel that something was still missing. Spock's katra was no longer wreaking havoc in the doctor's mind but something was still off. Chekov had served with the man long enough to know the doctor's moods. The current exuberance was clearly forced, but what was the man trying to hide? 

And the Admiral. That was another enigma. The man had lost his only son. His ship. His career. Chekov couldn't even begin to imagine the trauma. Yet Kirk seemed perfectly normal. Too normal. 

If a lifelong carrier in StarFleet had taught him anything, Chekov had learned to pick his battles. While he would consider the Admiral and the doctor friends, they often still treated him like a junior officer. They'd known him when he was still young, fresh faced from the academy. He'd always be that way to them and so there was only so much they would confide in him. And without that level of shared trust he wouldn't be able to help either of the men. At least they had each other to help them through Spock's recovery. 

Saavik, however, had always looked up to him as a senior officer - Spock's first protégé so to speak. To her, Chekov was a sort of pseudo-mentor. Which put him in a much better position to work on helping her with her issues. Besides, Saavik didn't _have_ anybody else. 

This logic seemed sound, but that didn't help make any progress.

There were just too many mysteries surrounding the girl. From all the medical conversations he'd overheard he'd pieced together that she was half Romulan, half Vulcan. That fact alone probably had a large part to do with whatever it was she was hiding. She'd met Sorel before, that was obvious. And she knew, and clearly disliked, Sarek. But Amanda seemed a stranger to her. How could a girl Spock nearly raised as a daughter not know the man's mother? What had transpired in Saavik's relatively short years to make her so...closed? Not that Chekov had ever considered Vulcan's to be open people, but Saavik had always been especially stand-offish. She'd only opened up to him after Spock's death. At the time Chekov had thought she'd done so because she was seeking a connection to her dead mentor. 

Now he knew better. Saavik had never really opened up at all. Her concern for her duty to Spock made her speak up out the possible broken bonds and the impact they could have on the admiral and the doctor. Otherwise she would probably have avoided them all until she’d been transferred to the Grissom.

Leave it to Jim Kirk’s son to find a way past her armor then fall dead heroically at her feet. 

They’d been on Vulcan for nearly two months and the ship was nearly repaired. Chekov didn’t know what Saavik would do when they left. They had to go back and face the consequences of their actions, even though the Vulcan government had offered them sanctuary. Kirk wouldn’t live like a criminal. And if Kirk went, they’d all go.

Everyone but her.

Oh, she’d have joined them if she could. Her loyalty to Spock was absolute and his loyalty to Admiral Kirk was legendary. So, by extension, Saavik would of course follow Kirk. Normally. The addition of the small but growing life in her womb meant a drastic change in priority for the young woman. Now her life was tied to its and because of her loyalty to all the parties involved Saavik would do nothing to endanger the child.

But that didn’t mean she had to be happy about it. And Chekov could easily tell she wasn’t. He’d seen Spock nearly despondent over Kirk’s disappearances more than once. He’d seen the man frantic over the doctor as well. But he’d never seen Spock depressed - didn’t think it was possible for a Vulcan to get that emotionally wrecked. Until Saavik. She was doing everything she could to keep the fetus healthy, following every doctor order. She was eating well, taking it easy, downing medications at the exact prescribed times, but her heart just wasn’t in it. It was as if she’d turned herself into a living incubator, her soul purpose the birth of a health child.

What would come after that, Chekov wasn’t sure he wanted to know. Saavik could easily turn the child over to Lady Amanda and go back to Star Fleet, give up her parental rights, and pretend it never happened. He half expected her to. But something about the way she would rest one hand ever so hesitantly over the slight bump on her abdomen made him think she wouldn’t, couldn’t.

Finally, out of desperation, he went to the only person he knew that might hold some of his answers. Ambassador Sarek agreed to his request for a private meeting and listened as Chekov laid out all his concerns and his questions one by one. What had happened to Saavik as a child? Why had Spock raised her off Vulcan? Why did she know so little of her people? And now that she was in her current condition what was to become of her?

Sarek let the younger man speak but when Chekov had finished laying out his reasons for the meeting, the Vulcan patriarch was silent. Chekov waited and for a time the two men simply stared at one another. If he hadn’t spent most of his life under Spock’s sharp watch in life or death situations, the Russian would have likely been intimidated. But Sarek, even with his title and his obvious political power, was far less frightening than a pissed off fully armed Klingon and Chekov had faced that more than once without flinching. So he stared back into the dark eyes of his mentor’s father and waited.

Eventually Sarek seemed to reach some sort of conclusion and stood up from his chair to cross to the window. Yet another sand storm was brewing outside and various members of the household were scurrying quickly across the compound securing the ancient structure. Sarek watched the activity for a few moments before quietly and with great solemnity began to speak.

“I have made three great mistakes in my life, Commander. All of which you have just thrust into my attention yet again.” The Ambassador turned back to Chekov and the human could detect a slight shift in the Vulcan’s expression that reminded him of Spock for a moment. “When my son was a child circumstances from my first great mistake lead me to believe that for him the Vulcan way was the only choice - which led directly to my second and third greatest mistakes. I pushed Spock to be what I wished him to be rather than what he is. And when he saw in Saavik a mirror of his own self, instead of listening to his council and wisdom in dealing with her, I demanded she also follow my way of being. As you are well aware, my relationship with my son has been strained since his youth. What little ground we had made in rebuilding it was turned asunder over Saavik. She refused to follow my wishes and Spock defied me to take her as his ward. By Vulcan law, Spock’s guardianship of Saavik brought her into my household. While I did not undermine his claim to this ancient right, I did nothing to aid him in caring for her. I washed my hands, so to speak, of the entire matter and told him if he was determined to disobey me, he would have to see to all things himself. And so he did. I failed him as a father, as a clan patriarch, and as a leader for our people.” 

Sarek closed his eyes and his lips tightened. “I shall not fail this child or it’s mother now. Not after all that has transpired. Even if my duty to her as mother to my grandson and heir to this House was not present, my duty to a sentient life so...miraculous in it’s conception, would require it.” He opened his eyes again to stare directly into Chekov’s, “but I do owe her a great deal, Commander, and I will do everything in my power to see to her wellbeing. If it were within my power to ease her pain I would. I know the devastation of a broken bond, have suffered it and overcome it. The double loss and the sacrifice she made to aid my son are compounding her grief and I do not know a way to console her. My presence pains her. My wife’s attempts at comfort have only disquieted her. It is only in the presence of those of you from the _Enterprise_ that she shows any spark of life at all. If you know how I can be of assistance, please, tell me.”

“Answer my questions, Ambassador.” Chekov insisted quietly. “Tell me vhat her past vas so I can understand.”

“It is classified.” Sarek held up one hand to stop Chekov from speaking, “so what I tell you must not be shared - even with the others. Kirk and McCoy know. Unless it is imperative to her recovery, it would be wise to leave the others out of this.”

Chekov nodded. “That vould be reasonable.” 

Sarek regained his seat and began to explain how Saavik came to the stars.

* * *

“Ve vill be leawing soon.” Chekov spoke softly as he approached her chair. Saavik was curled into it, a blanket over her lap as she stared at the white lettering freshly painted on the ship from her vantage space inside their small home. “Ey can talk to them, see if a healer vill come vith us if you vant to trawel too.”

“I should stay here.” Saavik sighed softly. “It is safer for the child.”

“True, but is it safer for you?” Chekov sat down heavily on the floor next to the chair and placed a hand on her knee. “You are so sad, Saawik. Vhen ve go, you vill be alone. I do not think it is good for you to be alone.”

“I was born alone and I have remained alone but for a short while.” Saavik rested her head back against the chair. “My thoughts are so fractured by these medications I find it hard to even form sentences.” Saavik turned her head to look down at him. “I am sorry, Pavel, that I am not better company.”

“You are fine company when the circumstances are not so bad.” He smiled softly. “I do not know vhat vill happen at the court marshal. If I can, I vill come back and keep you company until the babe is born. So vill McCoy and the Admiral. Ve talked and agreed. Spock vill come back too, but I do not think that vill be so comforting right now.”

“He is not himself and I find this new version disturbing.” Saavik’s dark eyes looked disconnected for a moment before she shook her head as if to clear it. “I cannot feel him as I once could. Nor can the Admiral or the Doctor. I see it in their eyes. It is like a shadow, a puppet, has returned. If Spock is there I cannot see it.”

“He is there.” Chekov nodded and patted her knee before standing up. “It vill just take time.”


	7. Chapter Seven: Solitary Returns

Saavik watched the ship depart and a piece of her went with it. She did not argue when Lady Amanda demanded she move back into the ancestral home and when her new quarters happened to be in the family wing, directly across from Sarek and Amanda, she could only sigh in resignation. 

Healers came and healers went. Sarek left for Earth and Amanda tottered around her as if by fussing alone she could make up for all that Saavik had lost.

Saavik despised her.

She knew it was uncharitable to hate the human woman so. Spock had loved his mother, only ever had kind words and fond remembrances of her – but Saavik had no memory of her own mother and no desire to borrow his. She knew the humans had stages to grief, and anger was one, and perhaps that was why the sight of the aging blond head made her blood boil in well-concealed rage. She knew her thoughts made no logical sense, that Amanda was doing her best to be a comfort. But Saavik wanted to tear apart something with her bare hands, to squeeze the life out of something, and Amanda seemed to embody everything that Saavik wanted so badly to destroy.

It was the Romulan in her, she supposed, that craved violence when under stress. It was controllable. She would never act on her desires. But with the medications swirling in her blood stream, the broken bonds twisting in her mind and cutting into her like knives, she could not mediate and so could not move past them. Sorel offered advice, counseled her to seek a mind healer, but Saavik refused. Her mind was her own. Only David and Spock had ever walked within it and she would not allow a stranger there. Her shielding had recovered and she resisted any attempt to penetrate her last sanctuary.

Word came from Earth and Saavik knew how to read between Starfleet lines. Something horrible had transpired on Earth, and Kirk had once again saved the day. The demotion and subsequent reassignment to the new _Enterprise_ was good news and she rejoiced in it for the sake of her old mentor and for Pavel and the others. She expected to receive notice that they would be leaving on a mission and begging her forgiveness for not returning. 

She had not expected to find them waiting for her several weeks later. Pavel, the Captain, Doctor McCoy, and Spock stood in the small communal room she shared with Amanda and Sarek. They looked tired, but happy, and as her eyes met Spock’s, Saavik could see in their dark depths that there was something of her mentor there at last. 

Spock did not say a word, but crossed the room in long sure strides and when he reached her, he took her hands in his and pulled her tightly to him. He held her, like he had when she was a child and night terrors of Hellguard had woken her. “I am so sorry, Saavikam.” He whispered into her hair and she could not hold back a tear, her mind opening to his as the long-lost connection between them came back to life. “I am so very sorry.”

“Spock,” her voice cracked and she clutched him tighter. She was vaguely aware of the others leaving the room. He pulled away enough to touch her face, deepening the connection. She could feel him repairing their bond, reweaving the threads that held them together as teacher/student and child/guardian. She could feel another link now, hovering in his mind, and she shied away from it out of respect. Spock brushed her mind gently, a silent ‘thank you’ for her consideration, but he sent her imagines of the doctor –both younger and as he was now, and Saavik finally understood. They were bonded, as t’hy’la and _more_. Spock had never told her, never seeing the need, and he apologized again for his oversight. The Doctor had suffered greatly for it, as had she, and he was so terribly _sorry._

Saavik could not bring herself to let go of him when he was done and held him even as he lowered her to sit on the long sofa. Spock returned her gesture, keeping his hand on her bare arm and sending her comfort through their restored bond. 

“I would not ask you to continue with this child, Saavik.” He spoke softly. “I would never ask it of you, but I sensed your desire to stay this course –for both myself and for David. Know you do not owe me anything, child. Certainly, not this.” Spock looked away and she felt his shame. “I would never have asked you to do what you did on Genesis, emphatically not, if I had been myself and aware of your bond with David.”

“You were not yourself, you did not know, and you did not ask.” Saavik replied. “I do not regret my choice and David knew well why I did what I did and he accepted my reasons. I would do it again, Spock, if it meant saving your life.”

“Luckily there will never be a need.” Spock rubbed her arm in small slow circles. “I underwent Kolinahr to ensure that I would not feel the fire’s call to such an end. I regret that without my mind to guide it, my body fell victim to them.”

Saavik shuddered in memory and Spock’s hand stilled. “ _Kup aksh'lz_ he lowered his head in shame.

Saavik shook her head. “ _pudvel-tor a'nirih_ , there is no need for _asksh’lz_ , not over this.” She let a small portion of her relief at his return to cross her face.

“Saavikam,” Spock embraced her again, _pudvel-tor ko-fu_ , you have carried your loss alone these months.” He pulled back and stared hard into her eyes. “We shall not leave you alone to suffer. My family is your family.” 

Saavik fought for control that she could not rally. Spock, sensing her difficulty, leant his own disciplines to hers and for the first time since Genesis Saavik felt a calmness settle into her that finally allowed some measure of clear thought. Her mentor held her still, an old song she’d half forgotten flowing into her mind like an Earth lullaby. She fell asleep clutching at his duty jacket.

When she awoke, she found Spock had moved them to a large bed of some kind and Pavel was behind her. The three of them were dressed in robes she’d not seen before, the thin material allowing her psi abilities to access both their minds. Pavel was asleep, uncaring that she had been traveling through his thoughts unchecked, but Spock watched her with deep eyes. McCoy was sitting near the bed, his medical scanner clutched in a limp hand, his head propped up with a pillow to keep his neck from falling as he slept.

“It is called _Vi'ikap-to palutunau por'sen_.” Spock said gently. “The healers wished you to enter it weeks ago, but they did not know who you would trust, since I was not myself. They did not wish to upset you more by making the suggestion when there was no one who could offer it.” Spock’s dark eyes held the gentle warmth she’d missed since the Fal-to-pan and Saavik again felt relief at his apparent return to normal. Spock sensed this and one of his rare near smiles quirked the corner of his mouth. “Leonard claims that Pavel has been serving you in something of an informal Comforting since Genesis. I assumed his presence here would not be adverse?”

“No.” Saavik agreed quietly, pitching her voice low to keep from waking the two humans. “I did not know Vulcan had such…emotional rituals.”

“Vulcan is not devoid of emotion, Saavikam.” Spock corrected. “If one knows the proper places to look, you will find our people have made many concessions to such matters. The Comforting is, perhaps, one of the most obvious of these and I believe that you and I may be the only Vulcans to have ever included outsiders in what is typically a family ritual.” Spock raised one sardonic eyebrow. “The last time I was involved with _Vi'ikap-to palutunau por'sen_ I awoke to find myself between Leonard and my mother.”

“You required _comforting_?” Saavik could not keep a note of disbelief out of her voice.

Spock sent her a tendril of caring. “Everyone requires comforting, Saavikam, when the cause is sufficient.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations: (Not grammatically correct, but hopefully you get the idea.)  
> Kup aksh'lz = I am ashamed.  
> pudvel-tor a'nirih = Chosen Father, a term of endearment and honor  
> pudvel-tor ko-fu = Chosen Daughter, an honor and an endearment. Neither is given lightly and both carry with them a significant debt of responsibility  
> Vi'ikap-to palutunau por'sen = The Comforting. A ritual that helps to reset Vulcan disciplines after great emotion and psych injury. First appears in Lapses II. Physical contact with close family and friends allows the injured party to use them to build a place of safety while their mind repairs itself


	8. Chapter 8

Saavik felt stable inside herself for the first time since Genesis. Not that there wasn’t still a gaping hole in her mind where David had been, but the return of her bond with Spock had grounded her. The light bond she could now feel with Pavel was an additional source of considerable strength. Kirk, Spock and McCoy had lingered for a few days after the Comforting before being called back to see to the final preparations of the new Enterprise. Pavel, however, had taken extra leave. Saavik argued with him over the necessity of it but he was insistent. “You vill not be alone in your condition.” He vowed, face set. In response he’d been given quarters next to hers in Sarek’s family wing by a smiling Amanda. 

The child in her was strong, and growing stronger, and as the Vulcan dry season gave way to a lighter cooler ‘winter’ season, Saavik could at least enjoy the Earth styled gardens Sarek had gifted Amanda with. They did not bare the harsh reminders of Hellgaurd that much of the rest of the region did, and it was good to be outside. She suspected she would always prefer the clean sterility of spacecraft over the changeable weather of a planet, but if she had to remain with her feet on actual ground a place with roses was not as bad as other options. 

Amanda joined her as the morning sun was finally starting to rise, flicking a switch on the doorway to extend a sun cover over the garden. “It’s mostly for the plants.” Amanda explained as she moved to join Saavik on one of the little garden benches. “But I confess I prefer to stay out of the direct sun even in the cool season.”

Saavik nodded. Undoubtedly Amanda’s human physique would require precautions. In all likelihood so would the child she was carrying. Her hand went automatically to her growing stomach.

Amanda smiled at the gesture. “You should have seen me when I was carrying Spock. I was a mess. Of course, things weren’t very good at the time.” Remembered pain flickered over the elderly woman’s face. “I hope you do not face the same sort of trials, Saavik. If anything I hope my experiences with the darker side of humanity and Vulcan have paved the way for your generation.”

“Without David I do not know if it will matter.” Saavik admitted softly. “The fetus may carry a significant amount of human DNA but without David, I do not know where or how to raise it. I am neither Vulcan nor Romulan and I know little of humanity outside Star Fleet.”

Amanda shrugged, the motion familiar and carefree despite her years on Vulcan. “Well you are welcome here if you want to stay, as long as you want to stay. There’s more than enough room in this place and staying with the Clan when raising young children is something of the norm on Vulcan. You can have your own family set of rooms and only deal with us as much as you desire to or not at all. There’s childcare on site, communal kitchens, and if you need help at anytime there’s plenty of people here that know about raising children – human and Vulcan. My cousin’s youngest daughter moved back here a few years ago with her children. She’s working for the VSA and her husband is posted somewhere near the rim. So there’s even 100% human children in the house.”

The oddity of the occupants of Spock’s ancestral clan home was something of a point of contention on Vulcan, Saavik had discovered over her brief time in Star Fleet. Amanda had been the first human woman to openly marry off-world and the scandal that had transpired was legendary. The attempts to manipulate her and to cause a breakdown in the Federation were required history at the Academy. The years of attacks on the Vulcan Ambassador and his family from xenophobic groups on Earth, and one very memorable and horrific incident on Vulcan, had been a dark stain on the early Federation alliance. The death of her cousin’s wife and eldest child, and his move to Vulcan to escape the danger on Earth, had also been well documented. The fact that his surviving children still returned to Vulcan and cited it as their home was not insignificant. The Grayson family had been integrated into the clan almost completely. Saavik’s bitterness at Sarek’s acceptance of the humans, but rejection of her, was still a blight on her relationship with her mentor’s father.

“You know Sarek didn’t realize what he did when he tried to stop Spock from adopting you.” Amanda seemed to understand the direction of Saavik’s thoughts and tried to put into words something that had been a strain on them all for some time. “I know, it’s not a real adoption but on Vulcan mentors take on mentees almost like children. Sevok, bless him, took me on when I was your age as a chosen daughter. Long before I had any kind of relationship with Sarek. I miss him still.” Amanda admitted softly. “He was like a second father to me. I’m doing the best to raise his daughter as he’d wish. Both he and his wife passed a little over five years ago. She’s in her teens now and away at school. I hope you’ll like her when you meet.” Amanda sighed. “I believe it was my relationship with T’Manda that made Sarek attempt to dissuade Spock. He assumed, somewhat correctly, that Spock would not put aside his career to remain with you for any significant length of time. He assumed, wrongly, that this would mean you would be dumped on my lap.” Amanda’s mouth quirked into a rye smile. “Not that I’d have minded that. I’d have welcomed you with open arms, but Sarek worries over my health insistently. He thinks raising T’Manda was too much strain for me in my old age. He assumed, again wrongly, that you would require years of intensive work to overcome your circumstances. He did not want to place that burden on me when I was already raising one orphan. I am sorry, Saavik. He never even asked me, nor did he explain the situation adequately to Spock.”

“Do you consider her to be your child then?” Saavik asked, still trying to grasp the nuances of relationships on this strange world.

“Yes and no. Legally she is and I certainly feel that kind of responsibility for her but we never had a mental bond that would go with it. She was old enough not to require it when Sevok passed and Spock was in no condition at the time to initiate a sibling bond. She and Sarek share a mentor/mentee bond like you and Spock. That seems to meet her needs adequately.” Amanda touched a rose blossom almost reverently. “If I was able to form bonds that way I would have considered it.” Amanda turned a knowing look on Saavik. “As I would extend to you the place of chosen daughter if I could. I can only give the title I’m afraid, I can’t carry multiple bonds like a Vulcan. Even my bond with Spock is weaker than it aught to be.”

“I had a woman once, who I cared for in that way.” Saavik admitted, pain blooming at the remembered lose of T-Pren. “I still mourn her death. I do not wish such pain on this child. Perhaps it would be better if it does not have the capability.”

“Bonds are complicated,’ Amanda admitted. “They offer strength but they also confer a weakness. But I wouldn’t trade what i have with Sarek for anything, Saavik. Nor what I have been able to maintain with Spock, although I believe we both have always longed for more. Don’t sell the little one short yet. And don’t wish away something that could bring you great peace.”

“Peace is an illusion.” Saavik whispered, rising from the bench with less than her customary grace. “There is only ever calm between storms.”

The human woman chuckled. “I wish Shras was still alive. He’d have liked you.”

Saavik raised an eyebrow. “The late Ambassador Shras Endilev from Andoria?” Saavik shook her head. “There has always been more in common between Andoria and Romulus than Romulus and Vulcan.”

“Phef.” Amanda waved as if to wipe away a millennia of discord. “Shras and Sarek were always two sides of the same coin, more alike then they’d either admit. You my girl are simply less circumspect than my husband in letting your opinion be known. You are direct and prefer action over contemplation. Those are not Romulan traits exclusively you know.” Amanda’s eyes glimmered mischievously. “Spock shares them with you which is how we are in this current situation. Sarek claims my taking him to Andoria and spending so much time with Shras during his developmental years is to blame but I know the truth. He’s just a Grayson.” 

Saavik reviewed what she knew of the Lady Amanda silently. “You have been underestimated much of your life.” She finally stated, dark eyes assessing and recalculating the woman. “Sarek chose well.”

“Vulcan’s secret weapon, Shras used to call me.” Amanda smiled brightly and took Saavik’s arm to let her guide them both back inside. “Of course, when the three of us worked together on things that was when the real magic happened. Vulcan and Andoria always like to spit at each other and hiss like old tom cats, but the truth is they are a firm alliance and have been for years. Both sides enjoy antagonizing the other for sport, but around here that’s practically a national pastime.”

“indeed.” Saavik let a small smile flicker in the corner of her mouth. “I observed the Doctor and Spock engaging in such banter frequently. It would seem that it is a universally agreeable hobby for the House of Surak.”

Amanda laughed. “Very very true. I’ve never exactly understood it but I’ve learned to find it amusing. Of course, now a days, there’s much less of it. Shras is gone and Sarek and I barely leave Vulcan anymore.” Amanda didn’t explain but Saavik knew it was probably due to concerns over the elderly human’s health. “Do you banter with anyone?”

“Negative.” Saavik sighed tiredly. “I suppose in a way David and I engaged in a milder form. I never found it amusing however. I was aggravated by it more often than not.”

“Boys tugging on pigtails.” Amanda stated with a wry grin before asking, “will you have your meal with me?”

“Is this a ploy to insure I ingest more than the minimum amount of food?”

“Now why would you think that?” Amanda winked. “It’s an excuse for me to eat real maple syrup. You need a higher than normal calorie count and Leonard brought me a whole jug when they stopped by. Have you had it?”

“No.” Saavik admitted, oddly disturbed by the idea of eating tree sap. 

“Oh!” Amanda clapped her hands excitedly. “It’s a perfect morning for blueberry pancakes.”


End file.
